Chicken or the Egg .....Vulnerability or Trust
Chicken or the Egg …. Trust or Vulnerability
At some point the stars align! April 4, 2023 turned out not to be another normal day. I’m not sure what had gotten into me, but on this day I decided it was time for a wardrobe update. It was the first day in quite some time that I donned a sports jacket and collared shirt. It was a Tuesday and I was scheduled to attend a superintendent meeting at our area education agency. Having two board packets to complete over the next few days, I was sure that I would not be a gracious audience member. However, this morning Dr. Timothy D. Kanold caught my attention almost immediately.
Dr. Kanold is an award winning author who works with Solution Tree and was here to discuss educator wellness. His newest book titled: Educator Wellness: A Guide for Sustaining Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Social Well-Being (Actionable Steps for Self-Care, Health, and Wellness for Teachers and Educators) was his focus. At some point during his presentation Dr. Kanold posed the proverbial question, what comes first, the chicken or the egg? In this specific incidence his question was, “which comes first trust or vulnerability? Is one a precursor to the other?”
I posed the same question to a colleague that Dr. Kanold posed to the superintendent group; which comes first trust or vulnerability? Is one a precursor to the other? Here were his thoughts on the topic.
Mike, an instructional coach from North Central Iowa: “I think that trust must come before vulnerability. If I trust a person, I'm okay being vulnerable around them because I know that I will be free of judgment and that I will get honest and direct feedback if I ask for it. I feel that in my work as an instructional coach, I have benefitted from having the trust of the staff which opens my door when it comes to problems they may be experiencing … I won't be vulnerable around a person I don't trust because of the fear of not only the judgment, but what this person may communicate to others.”
During the winter months, this might have gone in one ear and out the other, but not this time. Not this spring. Not when the handlebars got involved! Carrying too many pounds but having quality motivation, spring sprung at just the right time. Over the next several days, I was able to get outside and ride my bike on multiple occasions and during that time I couldn’t get this question out of my mind. When the question was first posed by Dr. Kanold, I was in the “wrong answer” group but luckily about a third of my colleagues agreed with me. How could I be vulnerable before I trust someone? Is vulnerability really a precursor for trust? Could being vulnerable with people be a key leadership trait in a relationship?
At some point while the wind was blowing and the miles on the bike were passing a bit too slow, my mind wandered to this question of vulnerability. As often happens while riding, I don’t intentionally think about work related topics, it just happens. During one ride, I recalled reading a blog post by Dr. Jared Smith titled First Impressions Matter. A blurb from Jared’s post follows.
- “Don’t forget to show them you’re human,” he advised. “Vulnerability isn’t a bad thing.” That night I barely slept. Already anxious for the following day, the mentor’s advice to modify the message did nothing to calm my fears. “Vulnerability … the first time I meet these people?” I thought while lying in bed. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
What Jared is describing is his opening presentation to a new staff, the first day he was meeting most of these people. Jared showed his vulnerability long before he trusted most in the crowd. But most in the crowd had a sense of trust towards him because he was willing to be vulnerable.
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